Beyond Spoiled: Child Therapists Reveal the "Innocent" Grandparenting Habits That Can Harm Children

By Global Family Life Desk
Published: October 2023

Main Facts

Grandparents occupy a sacred, irreplaceable role in the family ecosystem. Across cultures, they are revered as fonts of unconditional love, historical anchors, and safe harbors for children navigating the turbulence of growing up. Whether they are fiercely independent "modern" grandparents, classic nurturers, or the fun-loving accomplices who sneak extra treats, the imprint they leave on a grandchild’s life is profound. Long after childhood fades, adults remember the specific cadence of their grandparents’ stories, the warmth of their embrace, and the distinct, comforting aromas of their kitchens.

Yet, family dynamics are complex, and the generational gap can sometimes breed well-intentioned blind spots. According to a growing consensus among child psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and mental health professionals, even the most devoted grandparents frequently engage in habits they believe are completely harmless—or even beneficial—that can actually compromise a child’s emotional safety, psychological development, and boundary awareness.

Far from a critique meant to induce guilt, mental health experts emphasize that these behaviors are typically rooted in a desire to build rapport, ease anxiety, or simply be the "fun one." However, when left unchecked, everyday phrases and actions like asking a child to keep a "little secret," forcing a goodbye hug, undermining parental authority, or making casual comments about a child’s body can create lasting psychological vulnerabilities.

Chronology and Context: The Evolution of Grandparenting

The role of the grandparent has undergone a dramatic transformation over the last half-century. Historically, grandparents lived in closer proximity to extended family networks, serving as auxiliary caregivers within multi-generational households. In these traditional structures, grandparental roles were often extensions of parental authority, reinforcing the household rules established by the mother and father.

As societal structures shifted toward nuclear mobility, suburbanization, and dual-income households in the late 20th century, the role of grandparents evolved. They increasingly became weekend visitors, vacation companions, and specialized treat-givers. This cultural shift birthed the archetype of the "permissive grandparent"—an adult whose primary job was often perceived as spoiling the grandchildren without the heavy burden of discipline.

Concurrently, the fields of child psychology and developmental neurobiology have advanced exponentially. Over the past twenty years, research into trauma-informed care, bodily autonomy, attachment theory, and family systems has completely revolutionized how professionals understand child development. Concepts that were once dismissed as harmless social conventions—such as forcing children to hug relatives or keeping innocent family secrets—are now recognized by clinicians as critical touchpoints in a child’s understanding of consent, trust, and psychological safety.

Today, modern parents find themselves bridging a wide gap: honoring the deep, emotional bonds of the grandparent-grandchild relationship while integrating contemporary, trauma-informed parenting strategies that prioritize the child’s emotional autonomy.

Supporting Data and Expert Insights: Five "Innocent" Habits to Reexamine

Child therapists have identified five specific, highly common grandparenting behaviors that warrant immediate reevaluation. Below is an exhaustive breakdown of why these habits are potentially harmful, paired with actionable, expert-approved alternatives.

1. Encouraging Kids to Keep "Secrets"

• The Behavior: Saying phrases like "This is our little secret" or "Don’t tell Mom" to foster a sense of exclusivity or complicity. Even if the secret is entirely benign—such as eating ice cream before dinner or staying up past bedtime to watch a movie—clinicians warn it poses a hidden psychological hazard.
• The Expert Perspective: "Encouraging secret-keeping about small things opens up the door for predators to exploit the trust of a child and encourage them to keep unsafe behaviors or interactions from their parents," explains Jillian Amodio, a licensed mental health professional at Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms for Mental Health. Children do not yet possess the cognitive nuance to differentiate between a "fun secret" about dessert and a "dangerous secret" about boundary violations. To a developing brain, a secret is simply a directive to withhold information from primary caregivers.
• The Adjustive Action: Reframe rule-bending transparently. Amodio suggests language such as: "I know at home, Mom and Dad say no dessert before dinner, but at Grandpa’s house, I like to eat my ice cream first, if you want to join me." This maintains the special indulgence while stripping away the secrecy and preserving total honesty with the parents.

2. Insisting on Physical Affection (Hugs and Kisses)

• The Behavior: Overriding a child’s verbal or non-verbal hesitation when demanding a greeting or parting hug, often motivated by a desire for connection or fear of appearing rejected.
• The Expert Perspective: "When a child says ‘no’ with words or body language and an adult overrides that, the child learns their discomfort does not matter when adults or social politeness is involved," says Cory Reid-Vanas, founder of the Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective. "It teaches them they can’t control their own physical boundary." Over time, this conditioning can erode a child’s gut instincts, making them feel guilty for setting boundaries and dangerously susceptible to manipulation, boundary-pushing, and grooming.
• The Adjustive Action: Empower the child by offering choices. Instead of commanding, "Go hug Grandma," ask, "Can I have a hug, a high-five, or a wave?" Normalize rejection as a healthy expression of personal space. If the child declines all options, accept it gracefully without taking offense.

3. Undermining Parental Authority

• The Behavior: Rolling eyes when a parent enforces a rule, laughing off screen-time limits, or reminiscing about past rebellions ("When I was your age, my dad let me drink beer on Fridays") to position oneself as the "cool, understanding" adult against strict parents.
• The Expert Perspective: "From a family systems point of view, these actions put the child in the middle of two authority figures," notes Dr. Alexandra Foglia, marriage and family therapist and director of family programs at All in Solutions. Caitlin Severin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots, adds that while the intent is usually to build rapport, it fractures the unified front children need for stability. It teaches kids that rules are subjective and fluid depending on who is in the room.
• The Adjustive Action: Align with parents proactively. Discuss household values and expectations beforehand. If grandparents want to indulge the child, they should do so with explicit parental buy-in. Establish dedicated traditions—such as a Sunday pancake breakfast or a unique bedtime story approved by the parents—that foster connection without undercutting the household rules.

4. Making Comments About the Child’s Body, Weight, or Eating Habits

• The Behavior: Offering casual observations framed as compliments, such as "You’re looking so thin," "You have such a healthy appetite," or "You definitely inherited your mother’s legs."
• The Expert Perspective: "This type of dialogue lets kids know that their bodies are being looked at and judged," explains Dr. Wildaliz Caro, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Healing Center Cherry Hill. "Repeated body-obsessive comments may lead to self-shame, comparison, and an unhealthy obsession over food and appearance." Children internalize these remarks rapidly, linking their intrinsic worth to external physical metrics.
• The Adjustive Action: Shift the conversational lens entirely away from physical appearance. Praise character traits, efforts, and internal qualities: humor, curiosity, kindness, inclusivity, and perseverance. Ensure that visiting a grandparent’s home feels psychologically safe, where a child can sit at the dining table without feeling like their plate—and their body—is being graded.

5. Speaking for the Child

• The Behavior: Answering questions on behalf of a shy or hesitant grandchild to "rescue" them from social awkwardness or expedite a conversation.
• The Expert Perspective: "When grandparents frequently speak on behalf of their grandchildren, this results in children being given less opportunity to develop the ability to communicate their own wants or needs by responding to questions and engaging in conversation with others," explains Dr. Max Doshay, licensed psychologist and CEO of KMN Psych. It inadvertently signals to the child that the adult believes they are incapable of speaking for themselves.
• The Adjustive Action: Practice patience. Give the child extended time to process and formulate their own response. By holding space and waiting quietly, grandparents validate the child’s voice and reinforce self-efficacy.

Official Responses and Generational Reflections

Reactions to these evolving clinical recommendations within the parenting and psychological communities have been overwhelmingly constructive, though they occasionally spark sensitive intergenerational conversations.

Gerontologists and family counselors note that older adults are often caught off-guard when modern therapeutic guidelines clash with the parenting norms of their own youth in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s. Back then, strict obedience, compulsory physical affection, and parental authoritarianism were standard cultural practices.

Many family advocacy groups emphasize that education, rather than condemnation, is key. Workshops, podcasts, and digital parenting resources are increasingly tailored toward bridging this knowledge gap. Rather than viewing boundary-setting as an attack on grandparents, mental health agencies frame these adjustments as an act of generational collaboration. When parents and grandparents communicate openly about these psychological insights, the entire family unit strengthens its collective resilience.

As Maya Angelou famously articulated: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." Experts stress that recognizing these habits is not a cause for shame, but an invitation to deepen relationships through mutual respect and heightened mindfulness.

Implications

The implications of correcting these subtle, well-intentioned grandparenting habits extend far beyond individual household harmony. In the broader scope of public health and child welfare, fostering environments where children feel safe to assert boundaries, speak without hesitation, and trust their intuition builds crucial psychological armor.

1. Enhanced Prevention of Abuse: By eliminating the concept of "secrets" and respecting bodily autonomy from infancy, children develop a robust internal compass. Research consistently shows that children who are taught they own their bodies and do not have to keep secrets from their parents are significantly more equipped to recognize, resist, and report grooming behaviors or boundary violations by outside actors.
2. Stronger Family Systems: When grandparents respect parental authority rather than undermining it, children learn respect for institutional structures and relational hierarchies. This reduces behavioral friction in the home and models cooperative conflict resolution.
3. Prevention of Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders: Eradicating casual commentary on weight and physical appearance from early childhood environments protects developing minds from chronic self-shame, setting the stage for healthier lifelong relationships with food and self-image.

Ultimately, refining these habits does not diminish the unique magic of grandparenting. Instead, it elevates it. By aligning deep, unconditional affection with modern psychological safety, grandparents can ensure their love remains an unalloyed blessing in a child’s life—nurturing not just their happiness today, but their resilience for a lifetime.