Beyond the Candy Jar: Child Therapists Reveal the "Innocent" Grandparenting Habits That Can Harm Kids

Published: September 27, 2026
Source: Adapted from HuffPost

Main Facts

Grandparents occupy a sacred, irreplaceable space in a child’s universe. Often associated with unconditional warmth, comforting nostalgia, and a legendary leniency regarding household rules, grandparents leave lasting blueprints on how children view love, safety, and family dynamics. However, contemporary child psychology and family therapy point to a sobering reality: even the most well-meaning grandparents frequently engage in routine habits that appear completely harmless on the surface, yet carry hidden psychological risks.

According to licensed mental health professionals, child psychologists, and family therapists, everyday actions like asking a child to keep a "little secret," forcing a goodbye hug, subtly undermining parental authority, commenting on a child’s changing body, or speaking on their behalf can inadvertently erode a child’s sense of physical autonomy, trust, and communication development. Rather than acting as isolated missteps, experts warn that these deeply ingrained cultural norms can mimic red flags associated with manipulation and grooming, or destabilize a child’s trust in family boundaries. Fortunately, therapists emphasize that these behaviors are entirely correctable once brought to light, offering practical, empowering alternatives that preserve the joy of intergenerational relationships without compromising emotional safety.

Chronology and Evolution of Intergenerational Dynamics

The role of grandparents has undergone a radical transformation over the last century. Historically, grandparents often lived under the same roof or within walking distance, functioning as secondary primary caregivers embedded directly into the daily operational structure of the household. Rules were largely uniform, and child-rearing philosophies were passed down through multigenerational lineages with minimal friction.

In recent decades, however, societal shifts have distanced extended families geographically, turning grandparent visits into specialized, high-impact events. This modern context changed the psychological landscape:

• The "Fun" Paradigm: Grandparents naturally want to maximize limited time by spoiling their grandchildren, often stepping into the role of the ultimate indulgence provider.
• The Shift in Child Development Awareness: Concurrently, the fields of developmental psychology and trauma-informed care have advanced exponentially. Concepts like bodily autonomy, emotional regulation, and family systems theory, which were largely ignored or minimized in past generations, are now recognized as foundational to a child’s long-term mental health.
• The Present Day (2026): Modern family therapists now bridge the gap between traditional grandparenting styles and contemporary psychological insights, identifying specific, systemic friction points where traditional "innocent" habits clash directly with modern safety frameworks.

Supporting Data and Expert Insights: Five "Innocent" Habits to Reexamine

Child therapists have highlighted five specific habits that require immediate reevaluation. Below is a detailed breakdown of why these practices are harmful and how grandparents can pivot toward healthier alternatives.

1. Encouraging Kids to Keep "Secrets"

• The Behavior: Phrases like "This is our little secret" or "Don’t tell Mom" are frequently used to build intimacy or share minor indulgences, such as eating dessert before dinner or staying up past bedtime.
• The Psychological Risk: Jillian Amodio, a licensed mental health professional at Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms for Mental Health, warns that this is one of the most dangerous habits an adult can foster. "Encouraging secret-keeping about small things opens up the door for predators to exploit the trust of a child and encourage them to keep unsafe behaviors or interactions from their parents," Amodio explains. Children do not naturally possess the cognitive nuance to differentiate between a "fun dessert secret" and an unsafe secret imposed by an abuser.
• The Therapeutic Fix: Reframe rule-bending transparently. Amodio suggests saying: "I know at home, Mom and Dad say no dessert before dinner, but at Grandpa’s house, I like to eat my ice cream first, if you want to join me." This eliminates the secrecy while still allowing for playful, grandparental indulgence.

2. Insisting on Forced Hugs or Kisses

• The Behavior: Demanding physical affection from a grandchild—especially when the child pulls away, hesitates, or uses body language indicating discomfort—under the guise of social politeness or familial affection.
• The Psychological Risk: Cory Reid-Vanas, founder of the Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective, explains that overriding a child’s expressed "no" teaches them that their physical discomfort and boundaries do not matter when adults are involved. Over time, this conditions children to believe their bodies are not entirely theirs to control, making them acutely susceptible to manipulation, boundary violations, and grooming.
• The Therapeutic Fix: Give children explicit bodily autonomy. Instead of commanding, "Go hug Grandpa," offer options: "Would you like to give a hug, a high-five, or a wave today?" Furthermore, reframe rejection as entirely normal and non-offensive, ensuring children know their consent is absolute.

3. Undermining Parental Authority

• The Behavior: Subtly or overtly devaluing the parents’ rules, whether through eye-rolling when screens are turned off, making dismissive comments about household substances, or positioning oneself as the "cool, lenient" adult against strict parents.
• The Psychological Risk: Caitlin Severin, a marriage and family therapist and co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots, notes that while the intent is often building rapport, the impact damages the family structure. Dr. Alexandra Foglia, director of family programs at All in Solutions, adds that from a family systems perspective, this forces the child directly into the middle of two conflicting authority figures, teaching them that rules are entirely situational based on who is watching.
• The Therapeutic Fix: Align with parents on core expectations. Severin and Foglia recommend carving out specialized, unique bonding rituals with the explicit buy-in of the parents—such as a designated Sunday pancake breakfast, a specific weekly board game, or a unique bedtime story. This demonstrates to the child that all caring adults are working together toward the same positive outcomes.

4. Commenting on the Child’s Body, Weight, or Appetite

• The Behavior: Offering well-intentioned observations framed as compliments, such as "You’re looking so thin," "You eat so well," or "You’ve got your mother’s legs."
• The Psychological Risk: Dr. Wildaliz Caro, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Healing Center Cherry Hill, explains that this dialogue signals to children that their bodies are under constant surveillance and evaluation. Repeated body-obsessive commentary frequently paves the way for self-shame, peer comparisons, and lifelong obsessive loops regarding food, weight, and appearance.
• The Therapeutic Fix: Shift the evaluative lens entirely away from physical appearance and toward character, intellect, and actions. Compliment a child’s humor, curiosity, kindness, or persistence. Children should sit at a family table feeling nourished, not judged.

5. Speaking on Behalf of Shy Grandchildren

• The Behavior: Jumping in to answer questions or order food for a hesitant or introverted child to rescue them from social anxiety or keep conversations moving.
• The Psychological Risk: Dr. Max Doshay, a licensed psychologist and CEO of KMN Psych, points out that chronic over-speaking on behalf of a child deprives them of essential developmental reps. Children lose the opportunity to build self-advocacy, voice their own wants and needs, and navigate social discourse independently.
• The Therapeutic Fix: Practice patient pacing. Provide the child with extended time to process and respond, offering quiet, reassuring support that signals confidence in their ability to speak for themselves.

Official Responses and Expert Perspectives

Mental health organizations and family advocacy groups have increasingly focused on educating extended family networks. Professional consensus highlights that acknowledging these mistakes should not trigger parental guilt or shame among grandparents.

Instead, therapists lean heavily into the philosophy famously encapsulated by poet Maya Angelou: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Family systems experts emphasize that grandparenting is an evolving art form. When grandparents actively embrace modern psychological insights regarding boundaries, communication, and safety, they do not diminish their warmth—they elevate it, creating a sanctuary of mutual trust and respect that children can rely on well into adulthood.

Implications for Modern Families

The implications of shifting these generational habits extend far beyond individual household rules. By eliminating secrets, respecting bodily autonomy, unifying parental authority, dropping body-focused commentary, and encouraging independent speech, families build a resilient protective armor around children.

When grandparents model these healthy behaviors, they reinforce a global message of safety and self-worth. Children learn that love does not require the surrender of personal boundaries, that authority figures can cooperate harmoniously, and that their voices—and their bodies—truly belong to them.